Battling Loneliness

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Even though I’m optimistic about the month of June, I just had one of those days. You know, the kind of day when you feel like nothing good happened.

It all started when I went to the gym at 6 AM, only to discover one of the employees sitting outside the entrance. Not a good sign. When I walked up he told me that the girl with the keys wasn’t there yet and hadn’t answered her phone. Well, awesome. I did end up running outside and then doing a workout at home, but still. Not a great start to Hump Day.

Most of the day I felt lonely. It’s very easy for me to feel lonely because some days I’m at home all day and only leave to go to the gym. Copley and the tv are my best friends…during the day. If only Copley talked back.

I feel a little bit like Hit Me Baby One More Time. Man, I think I was in 5th grade when that song came out. Insane!

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(Source)

And, like Britney, I must confess that it’s really hard to be lonely. I’m an extrovert who loves grabbing coffee with girlfriends, heading to a workout class and then brunch, going shopping with my mom and sister, dining al fresco and just having people to call for a quick manicure. Of course, when we left Michigan, I was just starting to feel that I was getting friends. And we lived there 2.5 years. It’s only been 5 months in Germany.

Along with the loneliness, I’ve noticed that my OCD is getting worse. If I’m sitting on the couch and I see a piece of dust, I have to dust the entire apartment. If there are crumbs on the rug, I have to vacuum it. If there are any dirty clothes, I feel guilty not doing laundry. I feel guilty if I don’t go to the gym or not studying German if I’m watching the Housewives. I feel like I need to be doing something all the time. I can no longer relax.

If I put on my psychiatrist hat, I feel this way because I can control these things. I can control my workout habits, my meals, how clean our apartment is and how much TV I watch. I’m not worrying about how skinny I am or anything like that, don’t send me links to an eating disorder rehab. I have always been a control freak, admittedly. And a lot of things lately have been out of my control. I couldn’t really control our move because it wasn’t my job that brought us here to Germany. I feel out of control doing the simplest things because I don’t speak the language fluently.

Basically, this is a random rant. I just need to complain because it’s hard. I just feel alone sometimes. I know it’s normal. I know culture shock is a big part of it. I know I’m so lucky to have this once-in-a-lifetime experience. I am very lucky because I have a very supportive husband who lets me vent to him and tries to make it better. Life is like a circle, there are high times and low times. And sometimes I go around the circle in one day. And yesterday was that day.

If you’ve gotten to this point, thanks for reading! ‘Til tomorrow.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Albert | 2nd Jun 16

    Hugs from Grandma!!!

    • Jessica Howard | 3rd Jun 16

      Thanks, Grandma! I’m doing much better, just had a rough day.

  2. marmotte1971 | 23rd Jun 16

    Jessica, I moved with my husband’s job so I know what it’s like to arrive somewhere without a defined purpose for being there ( other than loving someone!) Is there an American Women’s Association based near you? Where I live there is and many incoming US spouses make contact.

    There is a possibility that we may move again and I’m determined that I’ll be less isolated this time!

    San x

    • Jessica Howard | 27th Jun 16

      Thanks so much for your comment. I’ve done some research but everything I’ve found requires annual dues, which I’m interested in yet. I’ll keep digging. Thanks for the advice.

  3. Eifel Mausi | 20th Sep 16

    Hi, Jessica. I’m also an American living in Germany (albeit permanently) and know EXACTLY what you’re going through. So, please know that you’re not alone! Let me know if you ever need someone to commiserate with!

    • howard.jessm@gmail.com | 21st Sep 16

      Thanks so much for reading. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Send me an email and we’ll commiserate roomforgelato@gmail.com! I want to hear all about your experience.

  4. Kaitlyn @ Powered by Sass | 5th Jan 18

    I completely and utterly relate to this post 100 percent. A year and a half ago, I joined my boyfriend in DC and moved away from my home in New Orleans. My first year here was ROUGH. I, too, felt isolated and lonely ad had a difficult time adjusting to a new life. I just started feeling settled these past 6 months, but his job requires him to move every 2-3 years, so we might have a move in the near future, which means I’ll be back to square one. I wrote about loneliness on my blog several times and how difficult transitioning has been for me, but in tough moments, there is beauty. It’s sometimes hard to see at the time, but it’s there, and when you discover it, it makes a world of difference. Life takes time. Don’t feel guilty for watching TV some days or skipping the gym or not vacuuming. You’re going to be fine. I also know this post was written over a year ago, but I wanted to comment anyway. Coincidentally, you published this post the DAY I packed my car and drove to DC to begin a new chapter. Funny, right? | Kaitlyn @ http://www.poweredbysass.com

    • Jessica | 5th Jan 18

      Hi Kaitlyn, no way that this post was written the day you packed! That’s crazy timing. Probably the hardest thing is not feeling settled and I’m so glad you’re finding the beauty in even the littlest things when the days are just too tough. I love following along your journey!

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